Losing my dream guy.

I met my dream guy. I dated my dream guy. My dream guy broke up with me. At first, I was devastatingly sad. Then I was pissed with him. Then I was furious with myself. I wasn’t mad at myself because I was broken up with gum. I was mad at myself because I presented to him a false version of myself. A version of myself I thought he as a good man would want - what my mentors in femininity said all “good” men would surely want. An aesthetically beautiful, seen not heard, bounce back after birthing his lineage several times woman. I wished I had been my full self so that if he had still broken up with me, it would have been the real me he wasn’t compatible with. This break up has opened my eyes so wide that I don’t even want to put the veil back over them.

Somewhat Related: The Importance Of Dad In His Daughter's Life

Here are 9 times I pretended to be someone else with him vs my truth.

• I told him my dream job was serving my husband and being a housewife.

***FALSE!*** I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to allow my creativity and head in the cloud mentality to flow. I want to make my own schedule. I want to answer to myself business wise.***

• I told him I wanted a luxury wedding and a multitude of children ASAP.

***LIES*** Yes, I want to be married. I want marriage to be someone’s companion, to be someone’s partner in crime, to be someone’s sunshine on a rainy day, to shower someone in all my love and of course to fuck them as much as I possibly can. I don’t need a huge wedding with 6 course meals. In fact, I’ll be delighted with a small wedding with 20 max because I don’t like being the center of attention. Also when it comes to kids, I want 1 maaayyyybbbee 2 children. I also want to wait to have those children until my late 20s to mid 30s.***

• I told him I wanted a son to carry on our family legacy and generational wealth.

*** Hashtag this bitch is lying, your honor. *** I just want a healthy baby regardless of sex. I would prefer a son because I feel confident in my ability to raise a little boy. I’ve volunteered and worked in daycares and pre schools since I was ten years old. Throughout fourteen years of babysitting my students on the side, I’ve only babysitted boys. Yes, you read that right. I’ve never babysitted any of my girl students.***

• I only wore heels/heeled boots and dressed really up around him.

*** Deception! Deception everywhere!*** I HATE wearing heels. I broke my ankle in high school and I haven’t been able to wear them well or long ever since. Sneakers for the win. Don’t get me wrong, I adore dresses and skirts just as much as the next girl, but jeans, a pretty blouse with the matching flat shoes is just more…me.***

• I played my R&B playlist only to represent my musical taste.

***Why the fuck are you lying? Why are you always lying? Mhmm, oh my goodness, stop fucking lying *** I love music and just like Swae Lee I don’t have a type. Yes I like sexy R&B songs. But I also like hard rock. Kpop. Southern rap. Trip hop. Contemporary gospel. Ethereal classical music. 2000s pop. Native American flute music. Tibetan Buddhist chanting. Bollywood. Motown. Anime intros/outros. Egyptian belly dance. 50s jazz. Country trap. Opera. Chinese traditional. And dub-step. South African Kwaito & House. Zimbabwean dance hall. You name the genre and I probably have a song or two in my playlist. ***

• I deleted most of my watch history on streaming apps to pretend I only watched girlie shows such as 90210 or Pretty Little Liars.

***She has a disease! It’s called lie-abetes!*** I love watching stand up comedy, comedic sitcoms and animations because I love to laugh. American Dad, The Boondocs, Parks and Rec, Kevin Hart - yaaaassss. I couldn’t tell you about what has happened to Kim lately because I don’t keep up with the Kardashians. Cartoon Network, Toonami and Adult Swim is where it’s at for me.***

• I pushed super nationalist political views on him.

***Lying dog-faced pony solider! *** I haven’t really cared deeply about politics since dropping out of university. The constant arguing, anger and eggshell walking, I couldn’t take it. It completely soured my love for government issues and resolutions. Truth is I am trying to figure out how to run my own life, I don’t know how to run this country. I happened to be around more nationalists growing up and in university so I adopted their attitudes and it went along with the persona I was projecting. I am a Libra. I am scales. I balance. I see both sides. I give the courtesy of live and let live and I expect that courtesy to be returned. ***

• I claimed the hobby of shopping and spending money frivolously.

***This some Pinocchio shit*** Dave Ramsey’s podcast is my wake up alarm on Pandora. I have more financial books than I can count. My credit score is checked weekly. I love seeing commas in my saving account. I follow coupon queens. Example of my foolery: I threw away some shoes. He saw them and questioned me. I played it off like I was this glamorous chick. Truth is those shoes are $3 at Five and Below. They are pretty but very cheaply made. I buy 5 pairs at a time for the sole purpose of wearing them only at work. They last a couple of weeks, at most a month so I am forced to throw them away from simple wear and tear. Did I tell him that: NO. I gave the air as if I just got money to blow like that. ***

• I tried to sell this man that I would be content sitting at home doing domestic duties awaiting his return.

***Fake news!*** Of course, I’ll be happy to see him. Unfortunately, I don’t enjoy cleaning. I clean because as I can’t find comfort in dirtiness especially kitchens and bathrooms. Bathrooms must be sparkling preferably white and well lit. I don’t enjoy baking. I bake because I believe it will be a good skill to have during the apocalypse. I don’t enjoy cooking. I cook out of necessity to eat healthy and save money. In fact, once a month my parents and I get together to try new foods at different restaurants. On our first date, he suggested doing this - inside I was jumping for joy, but with my snooty attitude I told him I’d rather be his... let me not go there..***
I know it’s cliche but I want to fill my life with adventures, not things. I want to have stories to tell in my old age, not just stuff to show. I want to die on empty in the arms of my love. I had a chance to do this but fucked it up trying to be the epitome of femininity I illustrate and imitate on this blog and other social media outlets.

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Black Femininity (contributor)