"Dear Linda.

Eish, dunno how to say this without sounding heartless and selfish, but the truth is, I’m NOT sorry. I understand your pain and I feel for you but I'm thankful that I'm not in your position.

Lemme get into it. Mark and I have been seeing each other for a while so please just calm the fuck down. It started when his aunt, Nicole (yes, the aunt who pretends to like you and the same one who refers to you as the "world's best sister in law") dared me to make a move on him. Actually, she dared me to kiss him. I knew it was going to be easy because he literally spent all afternoon eyeing me up. Without thinking much, and besides, being the fearless freak I am, I walked right up to him and kissed him in the kitchen..in your house whilst your engagement party was blazing in the backyard. If I'm correct, you were busy dancing to Keith Sweat's Twisted, completely oblivious to what was going on in the kitchen. Bwa ha ha, please allow me to laugh out loud! He didn't resist and from that very moment onwards, I knew that I had him exactly where I wanted.



He called me the next day and from then, it was game on. He called me every hour, told me all kinds of sweet nothings, splashed money (the cash you used to wire him) on me and treated me like a princess. It was dinner at Meikles twice a week and lunch at the city's fanciest restaurants almost every other day. Then shopping for shoes every two weeks. My phone credit was always topped up and my pockets never ran out of money. Public transport became a thing of the past as I became accustomed to getting driven in the Limited Edition Lexus you bought for him. Trust me, I was a treated like a spoilt brat.

For months, I kept our relationship a secret. But I couldn't hold the excitement any longer plus the fact that I couldn't publicly claim him as mine was killing me. So one night, after a misunderstanding and out of anger, I went to Auntie Nicole's house and finally confessed the whole affair to her. She acted like she was the jilted wife and started giving me all sorts of lectures. She was like, “How could you, as a woman, do something like that to another woman? It's not right. Think with your head not pussy” bla bla bla. I just looked at her like, seriously bitch?! You started this fire so help me put it out.




Most of my married friends who are women had the same indignant take. I'm like just WTF is wrong with these bitches??? Apparently, there’s some sort of "sisterhood code" I’m betraying. Ohh pur-lease! Spare me the bull shit, bitch! I don’t believe in some "loyalty or sistahood" type of shit we all "owe each other as women". Label me selfish but I only believe that I owe it to MYSELF, Dion, to fall in love and stay in love for as long as is humanly possible, and if it means that I'm falling for a married man, then so be it! I wish someone else, in some other circumstances, had said it, but I actually agree with what Sugar Dick Dupree once said to justify fucking his distant cousin. “The pussy wants what the pussy wants”.



Do you recall New Year's eve 2017? Isn't he was late to the party you had organised at his mum's house, right? Guess what had happened? We were fucking, raw. Skin to skin! Yep, we were at it like rabbits! Rolling all over the bed, on the floor, the lounge and even in the toilet. It was magical! I deliberately didn’t wake him when he fell asleep after a whole day of sex so he’d spend the entire night in my bed. When I say "my bed", I mean YOUR BEDROOM. Yes, in those very expensive Egyptian cotton sheets you brag about on your Facebook Live videos! I made sure (you honestly DON’T want to know how) that he stayed over far longer than he intended to. He woke up later and had to rush to your shitty party at 12:30 a.m. without showering first. I am one billion percent sure that he must have wreaked of my scent when he walked in at the party. I took pleasure in knowing that. I hope you didn't kiss him when he got there because I squirted in his mouth. It's something that he enjoys. Yep, your husband is a freak and I bet your stupid ass didn't know that.


Confessions Of A Side Chick


It’s been two days now since Mark broke up with me..because of your Facebook bambinos. But trust me, he didn’t do it for you, or to save what's left of your pathetic loveless "marriage". He did it because our relationship had reached a point that it was causing ME more pain than it was bringing me joy. He knew how much it hurt ME every time he kissed me goodbye to come home to you. Cheating on you, he could comfortably live with but hurting me, his sweetheart, NEVER.. he couldn’t bear!

You hate me, I know, and you always will, and quite frankly, I don't give a fuck! But sometimes I wish we could talk. I wish we could just sit somewhere quiet, maybe ku Harare Gardens, and I could explain to you why we did what we did. If we could do that, if you and I could get drunk together, there’s one story I’d want to tell you. That one is hilarious. It involves me and your husband. But oh well.

I think we have to be honest with each other, Linda. Mark loves us both and I think you should give him some time to think of his next move, instead of acting like a little spoilt brat. Stop it with these humiliating Facebook Live broadcasts and allow him to make a decision without pressure. Besides, you should be thankful that I'm keeping him in check whilst you are way over there in the UK, instead of being an ungrateful bitch. Behave like a grown woman. Mark needs someone young to monitor him and that's my primary duty. You should focus on sending money and goods, nothing else.



Keep in mind that YOU are the other woman in this relationship. A glorified side chick.


Anyhoo, with that said, I think you and I can make a good team. Let's work together in keeping our man. Let's look for a workable solution that is both fair to us because I am not going anywhere. I'm here to stay, and yes, I will also have another guy on the side.

Maybe I should draw up a rota system? What do you think?

Your Girlfriend In Law




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